I've been going to church at least twice a month since November. The Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church and I have had our differences, but since I've been going, I've always left feeling good. It's such a wonderful ethic, to love, respect, and be loved. I was prompted to make a kind of prayer, to whom I don't know, during the "silent meditation" period.
Give me the strength to find who I want to be,
To be who I need to be,
To help others do the same
And to find peace, accepting
The perfecting imperfect.
It's similar to the AA Serenity Prayer of
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
with a bit of identity thrown in.
I want to love. I want to be uninhibited in that pursuit, to embrace a benevolence of spirit that forgives and fosters, cultivates and encourages, embraces and supports. I don't think I can do that until I'm able to do those things with myself, though. And it's been a struggle all my life to keep myself protected while trying to promote safe vulnerability in others. I can't do it. I need myself to be exposed, to be unashamed and self-accepted, before I can truly begin to do the same for others. I'm working on it, of course. And there are some pretty big steps ahead in that respect.
I love talking to my students when I don't have to be "in charge" of them. If I could just talk, not demand or reprimand, control or grade, if I could just support and love without the need to always hold authority and direct them, I'd be happier. I don't want an adversarial relationship, a constantly negotiated power dynamic. I'm not, have never been, and have never wanted to be a "leader." I think a teacher can probably manage to negotiate these sorts of things, but it would take a strength of personality and more externalized hope and passion than I can muster.
I hope counseling works out. I really do. I have the patience, the compassion, the curiosity/interest in individual stories, the questioning. Or, at the very least, I want them. I want to be in an environment where those are the traits most desired, not organization and "management." And I want to be in an environment where I can have some level of vulnerability, too. But more about that later.
To return to theme, I want to love. I want to feel free to love. Life, myself, others. I sometimes feel like I could overflow with it, if I didn't have to maintain so many fears and facades. I want to get there. Love is my religion. And I want life to be my church. Others to be my altars. And myself to be two clasped hands, soft lips with a sad smile whispering that I may not know your pain, but I have known my own and, in it, I have known what it is to live, and through it I have wished not to heal you, but to love you and support you while you heal yourself. I want to love. I hope, someday, that I wholeheartedly can.
Give me the strength to find who I want to be,
To be who I need to be,
To help others do the same
And to find peace, accepting
The perfecting imperfect.
It's similar to the AA Serenity Prayer of
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
with a bit of identity thrown in.
I want to love. I want to be uninhibited in that pursuit, to embrace a benevolence of spirit that forgives and fosters, cultivates and encourages, embraces and supports. I don't think I can do that until I'm able to do those things with myself, though. And it's been a struggle all my life to keep myself protected while trying to promote safe vulnerability in others. I can't do it. I need myself to be exposed, to be unashamed and self-accepted, before I can truly begin to do the same for others. I'm working on it, of course. And there are some pretty big steps ahead in that respect.
I love talking to my students when I don't have to be "in charge" of them. If I could just talk, not demand or reprimand, control or grade, if I could just support and love without the need to always hold authority and direct them, I'd be happier. I don't want an adversarial relationship, a constantly negotiated power dynamic. I'm not, have never been, and have never wanted to be a "leader." I think a teacher can probably manage to negotiate these sorts of things, but it would take a strength of personality and more externalized hope and passion than I can muster.
I hope counseling works out. I really do. I have the patience, the compassion, the curiosity/interest in individual stories, the questioning. Or, at the very least, I want them. I want to be in an environment where those are the traits most desired, not organization and "management." And I want to be in an environment where I can have some level of vulnerability, too. But more about that later.
To return to theme, I want to love. I want to feel free to love. Life, myself, others. I sometimes feel like I could overflow with it, if I didn't have to maintain so many fears and facades. I want to get there. Love is my religion. And I want life to be my church. Others to be my altars. And myself to be two clasped hands, soft lips with a sad smile whispering that I may not know your pain, but I have known my own and, in it, I have known what it is to live, and through it I have wished not to heal you, but to love you and support you while you heal yourself. I want to love. I hope, someday, that I wholeheartedly can.
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