I still can't stop crying. I'd been wanting to for weeks and then, finally, around 3am, I started and I haven't been able to stop. Stop in the sense that the ache won't go away, the incredible sense of loss and fear and love. There is so much, so much. I don't even know where to begin, if I even should, because deconstructing anything now seems almost sacrilegious, but I want to hold on so badly. I have never felt so loved, so connected, so competent, so engaged, so known, so loving. I have never. And what, exactly, led to this whirl of circumstance I don't even know. How a group of high school students could make me feel so goddamn good after a group the same age made me feel so so terrible is almost mystifying. And the cruel, cruel irony of having to leave them so so soon, so so so soon after I finally find them hurts so much.
But I tell myself the hurt just means I care, and the care just means I had something worth caring so much. And whether that is loving one, loving two, loving four, loving twenty, loving half a hundred, loving this pseudo-utopia, I don't know. I have always wanted to stay at Governor's School, always wanted for it to never end, and yet this year has been so much more than the rest and now, for what seems like the first time in my life, I'm crying crying crying over simply saying good-bye.
They were so beautiful, sitting around me in the dead of night as I transformed into a monstrous thing to test them. They were so beautiful, tears running down all five faces, as you looked at me and told me, again, how much you cared, again, how much I meant, again, how much it hurt that I couldn't trust. Saying that I was so afraid of having someone run from me if they knew what was inside, while wondering aloud how they could ever do that since they would only find so much love beneath. Saying how I gave them so much daily joy. Saying how I understood better than anyone else ever had. Saying that they knew I cared, knew I loved, knew I was so full of such love. Saying I was brave in a way I almost believed. Exposing how I wasn't, but staying nonetheless. Saying that I was so, so important. So, so, so loved. So loved. So loved. They hurt me as they said so so much, the familiar hurt of fear and terror. And I broke down. I've lived more than a 1/3 of lifetime more than they have, and they broke me and they stayed with me as I collapsed.
I cried again as the sun rose, when it hit that it was over. When there was no more denying time its due. Tears streamed and I couldn't bare to face the end. And so I fled to our familiar place, and wept at the loss and the love I never wanted to let go. And they sat beside me. Sat before me. Held and would not let go. You wouldn't let go. I have always feared that letting go, and you wouldn't let go. My rainbow paladin, my poet, my strong silent stalwart, my love-as-I-should-love-myself stayed until they had to leave, with tears in their eyes.
And they're gone, gone, gone. Gone back to prisons, internal and out. Gone back to the traps they set for themselves. Gone back to unacceptance, gone back to disapproval, gone back to constant struggle. And I'm going back, too. Back to dependence. Back to transgression. Back to so much loneliness. I never been so understood, so touched, so intimate, so connected, so loved, so loving, so so so until now, and they're gone.
You asked me if it was worth the pain, and I said, without a doubt, yes. I knew there was a price for this love, for all love. I knew it. And it's so heavy to pay now. But I would pay it a hundred times over because of so so so. You asked me if I'd come for you, and I did, without a doubt. I knew I would not answer, but I was so glad to go. You asked me if I would remember you, and I said, with so much doubt, yes. For forever lasts too long for promises. But how could I forget this hole you've left behind? How could I forget my haven, my baptism, my pilgrimage? How could I forget?
I love you all. I love you all so so much. So so so much. And I only hope, desperately hope, that I can spend my life in loving and being loved as, today, I had no doubt I was. And I was. I was. So so so much.
But I tell myself the hurt just means I care, and the care just means I had something worth caring so much. And whether that is loving one, loving two, loving four, loving twenty, loving half a hundred, loving this pseudo-utopia, I don't know. I have always wanted to stay at Governor's School, always wanted for it to never end, and yet this year has been so much more than the rest and now, for what seems like the first time in my life, I'm crying crying crying over simply saying good-bye.
They were so beautiful, sitting around me in the dead of night as I transformed into a monstrous thing to test them. They were so beautiful, tears running down all five faces, as you looked at me and told me, again, how much you cared, again, how much I meant, again, how much it hurt that I couldn't trust. Saying that I was so afraid of having someone run from me if they knew what was inside, while wondering aloud how they could ever do that since they would only find so much love beneath. Saying how I gave them so much daily joy. Saying how I understood better than anyone else ever had. Saying that they knew I cared, knew I loved, knew I was so full of such love. Saying I was brave in a way I almost believed. Exposing how I wasn't, but staying nonetheless. Saying that I was so, so important. So, so, so loved. So loved. So loved. They hurt me as they said so so much, the familiar hurt of fear and terror. And I broke down. I've lived more than a 1/3 of lifetime more than they have, and they broke me and they stayed with me as I collapsed.
I cried again as the sun rose, when it hit that it was over. When there was no more denying time its due. Tears streamed and I couldn't bare to face the end. And so I fled to our familiar place, and wept at the loss and the love I never wanted to let go. And they sat beside me. Sat before me. Held and would not let go. You wouldn't let go. I have always feared that letting go, and you wouldn't let go. My rainbow paladin, my poet, my strong silent stalwart, my love-as-I-should-love-myself stayed until they had to leave, with tears in their eyes.
And they're gone, gone, gone. Gone back to prisons, internal and out. Gone back to the traps they set for themselves. Gone back to unacceptance, gone back to disapproval, gone back to constant struggle. And I'm going back, too. Back to dependence. Back to transgression. Back to so much loneliness. I never been so understood, so touched, so intimate, so connected, so loved, so loving, so so so until now, and they're gone.
You asked me if it was worth the pain, and I said, without a doubt, yes. I knew there was a price for this love, for all love. I knew it. And it's so heavy to pay now. But I would pay it a hundred times over because of so so so. You asked me if I'd come for you, and I did, without a doubt. I knew I would not answer, but I was so glad to go. You asked me if I would remember you, and I said, with so much doubt, yes. For forever lasts too long for promises. But how could I forget this hole you've left behind? How could I forget my haven, my baptism, my pilgrimage? How could I forget?
I love you all. I love you all so so much. So so so much. And I only hope, desperately hope, that I can spend my life in loving and being loved as, today, I had no doubt I was. And I was. I was. So so so much.
I think you will find this again, and again, you deserve this love. I hope you can see how this is in many ways a beginning. You use the word pilgrimage and that makes so much sense. I hope I am not encroaching on something I know nothing about, but your words are so intensely beautiful. I keep looking on this time as my vision quest and the way you describe your experience helps me to understand about guides, about spirits we meet along the way that open doors to new feelings.
I am happy and sad with you and I want you to know that you are loved from the outside world as well.