I am angry. I am so angry. At nothing at everything. I really think I was better, once. I know I was better. I empathized more, cared more. I held others in positive regard. But now? Now I'm just bitter. I look around me and find a sea of incomprehension. And the one person who "got it," who got *me* cut me out of her life for reasons as nebulous as they are unassailable. It is not so much that I lost a love, oh no. It is that I lost a kindred spirit.
Yes, I have someone else who does a great job with what she has. But we have gulfs that cannot be crossed. And I just feel so alone. So alienated from everyone. I want to immerse myself in someone else's suffering so I don't feel so very alone, because I feel so hurt and I just don't feel it from those around me. I need this poison to be siphoned from my psyche, and all I see are blank faces, each another grain of salt. It hurts too much. It hurts too much. I didn't realize how much it hurt, but the more I realize that no, everyone is not suicidal, no, everyone is not terribly depressed, no, the feelings I feel are *different,* the more terrified I am that I am alone and that finding another like me is so far away. So very far away.
Known triggering mechanisms immediately:
1. 5 hours of fretful, stressed sleep (as opposed to my normal 8)
2. New people/social situation
3. Talking about suicide all day with few breaks, thinking of S killing herself unavoidably S killing herself losing losing losing
4. Realizing that everyone else in the training only knows of suicidality incidentally, tangentially. They've not tried, they've not experienced. Where is their suffering? Where is their pain? Why do I feel like the only one in the room feeling?
5. A bit over three weeks since breakup
God. It shouldn't hurt this much. I know it shouldn't.
Yes, I have someone else who does a great job with what she has. But we have gulfs that cannot be crossed. And I just feel so alone. So alienated from everyone. I want to immerse myself in someone else's suffering so I don't feel so very alone, because I feel so hurt and I just don't feel it from those around me. I need this poison to be siphoned from my psyche, and all I see are blank faces, each another grain of salt. It hurts too much. It hurts too much. I didn't realize how much it hurt, but the more I realize that no, everyone is not suicidal, no, everyone is not terribly depressed, no, the feelings I feel are *different,* the more terrified I am that I am alone and that finding another like me is so far away. So very far away.
Known triggering mechanisms immediately:
1. 5 hours of fretful, stressed sleep (as opposed to my normal 8)
2. New people/social situation
3. Talking about suicide all day with few breaks, thinking of S killing herself unavoidably S killing herself losing losing losing
4. Realizing that everyone else in the training only knows of suicidality incidentally, tangentially. They've not tried, they've not experienced. Where is their suffering? Where is their pain? Why do I feel like the only one in the room feeling?
5. A bit over three weeks since breakup
God. It shouldn't hurt this much. I know it shouldn't.
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