It is exhausting being so bad at something as I am. I really am a bad teacher. I keep on trying to make high school classrooms college classrooms, and my students simply can't handle it. I try to reason with them, try to be democratic, try to be respectful of their autonomy and they run all over me. And I know that, in order to have a functioning classroom, I have to assert power, to use violence upon them and their immaturity. I need to. But it's so damned hard when all of my ideology is screaming no. The only type of authority I ever want is that of information and assessment (and even that is questionable). Whatever made me think that I could handle physical authority, I don't know, but it's clearly not working.
And so I'm stuck, for another four months, doing something I'm just bad at. I've been mediocre before, like with playing instruments at school, and that was ok since no one else really cared. But now, I'm actively disappointing people on a daily basis, and it's heartrending. I'm getting numb to it, but it's almost as if I'm in a shell or a bubble, barely alive, just trying to breathe and sleepwalk through so I can avoid utterly collapsing. I'm a wreck, a disaster, lonely, unloved, so encased in a shell that I feel emotionally inauthentic. I feel fake. I don't even know how to tell anyone about it, for fear that all my failure and shame will overwhelm me and they'll not know how to do anything but utterly pity me. And I don't want pity. I don't want a pep talk. Because I can't do this, and I know I can't, and I'm just stuck here until it's over. I want to be accepted and forgiven. I want out of this godforsaken shell.
But I can't get out. Not until May 24th. I'm trapped in my failure. And it would destroy me if I let it. God, a hard rain's going to fall when this dam breaks.
And so I'm stuck, for another four months, doing something I'm just bad at. I've been mediocre before, like with playing instruments at school, and that was ok since no one else really cared. But now, I'm actively disappointing people on a daily basis, and it's heartrending. I'm getting numb to it, but it's almost as if I'm in a shell or a bubble, barely alive, just trying to breathe and sleepwalk through so I can avoid utterly collapsing. I'm a wreck, a disaster, lonely, unloved, so encased in a shell that I feel emotionally inauthentic. I feel fake. I don't even know how to tell anyone about it, for fear that all my failure and shame will overwhelm me and they'll not know how to do anything but utterly pity me. And I don't want pity. I don't want a pep talk. Because I can't do this, and I know I can't, and I'm just stuck here until it's over. I want to be accepted and forgiven. I want out of this godforsaken shell.
But I can't get out. Not until May 24th. I'm trapped in my failure. And it would destroy me if I let it. God, a hard rain's going to fall when this dam breaks.
Dylan,
I know you don't want pity, and I know you don't want a pep talk. So I'll try to avoid those things.
I think you CAN do this, and I don't understand why your ideology prevents your exercise of power. These kids are not autonomous beings, they're not rational actors, they're not adults with free choice - they're children. Children who need to be taught how to behave by someone who knows how to behave.
Yes, that's paternalistic. But I'd wager that in most of their cases, the problems were caused by too little paternalism somewhere along the line.
I understand if you're uncomfortable with that. That's a good reason to get out of teaching and into counciling. But recognize, at least intellectually, that there are indeed times and places for paternalistic coercion, and the main one is when you're dealing with children (and young adults that act like them.) You're allowed to be coercive without offending human dignity, even if you don't want to.
And, if all else fails, I've found that a good retort to smartass high school failures is, "I'll keep that in mind when I run into you in 5 years at the MickeyD's drive through."
And yes, you'll have fries with that.
I got into teaching because I was so miserable during most of my schooling. I was miserable for many reasons, but a large one was because I felt so restricted by the authoritarian nature of school. It was dangerous to take risks, to be myself, to make mistakes, etc. It was so rigid and terrifying. I went from one frightening and abusive environment to another, all day almost every day. And part of the reason I wanted to go into teaching was to provide a respite from that structure of violence.
Teenagers aren't children. They're having sex, doing drugs, making very dangerous and adult choices. My seniors will be eligible to vote, old enough to be drafted, and will be in college (many, anyway), in a few months.
I don't think we're teaching them how to behave. If we force them, if we punish them, if we coerce them, if we bribe them, they're not learning, they're just responding. Or, rather, they're learning about external forces, not reasons for being civil. And I realize that's ideal, but if they don't learn self control and some metacognizance, it'll be the police, not the principals, who deal with them next. And you don't teach self control by doing it for them.
Now, granted, I'm not sure of the best way to teach them self control. It's another failing on my part. But it kills me to have to write-up a kid for texting his mom when she might have some horrible disease. Or another who's insubordinate because she's homeless and needs to get someplace and I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. Or another who's being shifted around from relative to relative, her mom arrested for parole violations and, of course, like so many of my students, dad nowhere to be seen. Or another who's loud and immature precisely because her mother probably is and teachers her to get responses by yelling. They obey overt, violent power because that's what they've been taught. And that's not a how you treat a human; that's how you treat an animal who can't reason.
They're surrounded by violence. And I realize there may be justified reasons for that. But I can't be its arbiter. I only feel like I'm part of the problem, part of the damage, not part of the solution. And, at least while I have the luxury of not having to be and still being able to search, I'd like to see if I can find a way to not have to make such a compromise.
That's fair. If it's not something that YOU want to do, then that makes perfect sense. I guess all I'm trying to say is that someone DOES need to be an authority figure for these kids. It's because they've never had one that they are the way they are. But I understand that's not who you want to be, and that's perfectly understandable.