I've been fairly worried the past few weeks, and not without good cause. But my counselor on Friday made the point that I'm finally taking risks and part of the calculus of those decisions is that I actually really, really care about what happens. I don't want to settle for less. I don't want back up plans upon back up plans. I want two things, specifically, to work out over the next two years, and they're both very much in flux and unsure, but they're also what I want. There's not really much doubt that I have left. I want them.
I want to get into a Counseling Psychology PhD program. I really, really do. It feels right, it feels like it's something I could be good at and enjoy. It won't be perfect, certainly, but I think I could do it and enjoy it and not be plagued with all of the insecurities and power conflicts and etceteras I get from teaching. I want it. Unlike teaching/English, which I've merely believed in and logically found to be the most sensible, I want this. I want to take a chance on it. And I've never done that, taken a significant chance. But despite playing it safe, I haven't gotten nearly where I want to be. And the worst part is, I knew this would happen. But I followed safety and security instead of passion.
And while I'll always be cautious, I think, I want to be passionate too. And I think I can be passionate about counseling. Hell, I already am.
The second thing is transitioning. I'm at an impasse, not really sure how to keep progressing, but, damn it, I'm on the right track. I've felt good. I've kind of liked myself, at various non-school related times. And I want to follow that.
It's kind of strange, because today I regressed a little. I wasted my entire afternoon, ate entirely too much simply because I was kind of sedentary and depressed, and I was fairly unhappy. but the best part about it was how much of a contrast it was to the rest of my past month. I used to do this all the time, and now it's unusual. It's marginally troublesome, but it's no longer "the norm." And I like that. I like not feeling wasteful and miserable all the time.
I'm not happy yet, of course. I'm a long ways away from that. But I genuinely feel I'm making progress. I have found things I'm passionate about, things that will help me like myself and that I think I'll enjoy. Naturally it won't be easy. But, damn it, I've spent too much time guarding myself against who the hell knows what. It's time to take some chances.
Wish me luck.
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