Whew. One week of GSSE down, and it's flown by. I've gotten up at 8:30, gone to bed from 1:30-3:00, felt exhausted every night, and loved it. I honestly believe this is the best start to a Governor's School yet. I start to try and describe the individual events that make up the experience, but it defies compartmentalization. Nevertheless, there are broad reasons why I love GSSE, and, being myself, I can't help but try to understand them and apply them to the rest of my life. When I say GSSE is my favorite time of the year, I'm in no way kidding. And to find something you love so much, I can't help but think I ought to try to replicate it down the line.
1. The students. Not all of them, certainly. But, as a group, they're wonderful. They're still teenagers, of course, and with that comes awkwardness, insecurity, brazenness, etc. But they're smart. They get my jokes. They're curious. They're so multifaceted. I want to crack them open and gorge myself on their inner lives. Heh, perhaps that's too vivid, but they're so compelling! To wit:
- The most articulate self-identified liberal I've met in some time; we talked for 2 hours or so and it was all a joy.
- Another moderate-ish Christian girl (like two years ago) with verve and a great sense of humor masking... well, I'm not sure, but I'm searching.
-A nerdy guy still trying to wrestle with his taste and aesthetics, but with wit to spare.
- So many more. I love their banter! It's addicting. And I can see hints of sensitivity behind the veneers of irony; I don't know if I'll reach through or not, but I hope I get to keep seeing glimpses.
2. Myself. I know, with teaching, there's an idea that one needs at least three years to start getting a handle on the job. It's why we all feel like failures (and kind of are) our first few years. But I think it's true, with teaching as with most things. This is my fourth year at GSSE. I know the ropes. I'm decent at recognizing patterns. I know how this thing plays out, the things I've liked, the things I've regretted. And I'm adapting accordingly.
For instance, I regretted not getting to know the students faster the past year. Some of that was my time being divided between them and Laura, but a lot of that was my timidity. I'd stay in my room and wander the internet instead of engaging the students. (Often, anyway; hardly always). This year, though, other than a few diversions talking to Sara for a few hours, I am booked solid. My RSS feed floats around 100 simply because I don't have time to read more, and I love it. I'm more confident in myself, and that makes it easier for me to engage the students.
And I think they appreciate that, too. I had at least 25 show up for the first LAN party (we ran out of computers). The first one. And yeah, group variations. But I think my personality's pulling them in. They smile and wave when they see me. They like talking to me. Many of them really like me (or at least find me pretty amusing). One asked "Have you always been this cool?" and it was so sweet (I didn't respond as such, but I felt it). I'm sarcastic, sincere, enthusiastic, and, well, myself (another student said he thought I'd look good in drag, if I did better at shaving. Dramatic irony ftw). It's such a better fit than "Mr. Meggs." I'm still... in charge, often. I've gotten a lot better at directing. But I don't have to be in control.
The other RAs, for the most part, seem comfortable with each other. They see the students, sure, but they don't... play with them, like I do. They don't engage them, don't enjoy their company like I do. And part of that is that I'm just more selectively extroverted than they are. But part of it is that I just thrive on people. Especially people who like or get/respect/are amused be me. It's partly the group. But so much must be me, too. And I love it.
3. Detox. Teaching took a lot out of me. It didn't destroy me, but it gutted me and left me raw and bleeding. It damaged my efficacy, my self-concept, my identity in ways that I've still not grasped. Of course, much of that turns positive. I'm more confident and... battle-tested. I'm not nearly as nervous or scared as I might have been a few years ago. I'm not fearless, but the skitterish pseudo-terror I kept struggling to choke down is largely dissipated after teaching. However, I was also an authoritarian. I was an agent of oppression. I was unliked, boring, not respected, treated like an amusing novelty. Sometimes, that last part's still true. But GSSE is really helping me move past the damage high school wrought. I feel like I'm doing a good job. I feel like I'm liked. I feel.... good. More or less. Better than I have in a long time. Part of that is the sheer quantity of things I'm doing, sending me accomplished and exhausted into bed too late every night. And part of it's hope that I'm on the right track, identity-wise. But part of it is also that I love what I'm doing. Would that it would never stop...
Odd side-effects: Depression. I've been off antidepressants for about a month. I've been spending so much on hormones that I didn't want to keep paying $40/month on a pill that was addressing symptoms and not problems (the antithesis of the hormones). As my anxiety fades and my fatigue increases, though, I find myself deflated and depressed once the kids are tucked safely in bed. It's not a bad depression; in some ways, I like it. But it's like Paul Simon's "window in your heart/ everyone can see you're blown apart:" I feel vulnerable and empty. I want physical contact, I want intimacy, I want to be able to collapse somewhere other than a desolate bed. It's not pressing. But it's an undercurrent of dissatisfaction that's manifesting itself regardless of the otherwise positive developments in my life otherwise.
Implications: I want to teach. I like groups of people, when I'm fairly comfortable with what I'm doing. I'm in a Social Psych class now, and it's actually fun. I could see myself really liking it. Lots of analysis and personal relevance; English without the distraction of signs and signifiers. I want to be around lots of people, often, and engage groups. I want to mentor. I want to help others grow into themselves, to support them on their ways. I want to be make an impact in lives through discussion and instruction. In short, I want to teach college. Which is rather convenient, since I'm planning on getting a PhD. But it's affirming to find that high school's not tainted my love for teaching or groups or, even, teenagers.
Overall, I'm excited. In the long term. After GSSE ends, I'll start the descent into... treading water? A long period of inactivity, at least. But after that, I feel like I'll be on a good path to a good place. For now, though, I'll consider this a preview of things to come instead of a last hurrah. Whether that's wishful thinking or not, I guess we'll see.
1. The students. Not all of them, certainly. But, as a group, they're wonderful. They're still teenagers, of course, and with that comes awkwardness, insecurity, brazenness, etc. But they're smart. They get my jokes. They're curious. They're so multifaceted. I want to crack them open and gorge myself on their inner lives. Heh, perhaps that's too vivid, but they're so compelling! To wit:
- The most articulate self-identified liberal I've met in some time; we talked for 2 hours or so and it was all a joy.
- Another moderate-ish Christian girl (like two years ago) with verve and a great sense of humor masking... well, I'm not sure, but I'm searching.
-A nerdy guy still trying to wrestle with his taste and aesthetics, but with wit to spare.
- So many more. I love their banter! It's addicting. And I can see hints of sensitivity behind the veneers of irony; I don't know if I'll reach through or not, but I hope I get to keep seeing glimpses.
2. Myself. I know, with teaching, there's an idea that one needs at least three years to start getting a handle on the job. It's why we all feel like failures (and kind of are) our first few years. But I think it's true, with teaching as with most things. This is my fourth year at GSSE. I know the ropes. I'm decent at recognizing patterns. I know how this thing plays out, the things I've liked, the things I've regretted. And I'm adapting accordingly.
For instance, I regretted not getting to know the students faster the past year. Some of that was my time being divided between them and Laura, but a lot of that was my timidity. I'd stay in my room and wander the internet instead of engaging the students. (Often, anyway; hardly always). This year, though, other than a few diversions talking to Sara for a few hours, I am booked solid. My RSS feed floats around 100 simply because I don't have time to read more, and I love it. I'm more confident in myself, and that makes it easier for me to engage the students.
And I think they appreciate that, too. I had at least 25 show up for the first LAN party (we ran out of computers). The first one. And yeah, group variations. But I think my personality's pulling them in. They smile and wave when they see me. They like talking to me. Many of them really like me (or at least find me pretty amusing). One asked "Have you always been this cool?" and it was so sweet (I didn't respond as such, but I felt it). I'm sarcastic, sincere, enthusiastic, and, well, myself (another student said he thought I'd look good in drag, if I did better at shaving. Dramatic irony ftw). It's such a better fit than "Mr. Meggs." I'm still... in charge, often. I've gotten a lot better at directing. But I don't have to be in control.
The other RAs, for the most part, seem comfortable with each other. They see the students, sure, but they don't... play with them, like I do. They don't engage them, don't enjoy their company like I do. And part of that is that I'm just more selectively extroverted than they are. But part of it is that I just thrive on people. Especially people who like or get/respect/are amused be me. It's partly the group. But so much must be me, too. And I love it.
3. Detox. Teaching took a lot out of me. It didn't destroy me, but it gutted me and left me raw and bleeding. It damaged my efficacy, my self-concept, my identity in ways that I've still not grasped. Of course, much of that turns positive. I'm more confident and... battle-tested. I'm not nearly as nervous or scared as I might have been a few years ago. I'm not fearless, but the skitterish pseudo-terror I kept struggling to choke down is largely dissipated after teaching. However, I was also an authoritarian. I was an agent of oppression. I was unliked, boring, not respected, treated like an amusing novelty. Sometimes, that last part's still true. But GSSE is really helping me move past the damage high school wrought. I feel like I'm doing a good job. I feel like I'm liked. I feel.... good. More or less. Better than I have in a long time. Part of that is the sheer quantity of things I'm doing, sending me accomplished and exhausted into bed too late every night. And part of it's hope that I'm on the right track, identity-wise. But part of it is also that I love what I'm doing. Would that it would never stop...
Odd side-effects: Depression. I've been off antidepressants for about a month. I've been spending so much on hormones that I didn't want to keep paying $40/month on a pill that was addressing symptoms and not problems (the antithesis of the hormones). As my anxiety fades and my fatigue increases, though, I find myself deflated and depressed once the kids are tucked safely in bed. It's not a bad depression; in some ways, I like it. But it's like Paul Simon's "window in your heart/ everyone can see you're blown apart:" I feel vulnerable and empty. I want physical contact, I want intimacy, I want to be able to collapse somewhere other than a desolate bed. It's not pressing. But it's an undercurrent of dissatisfaction that's manifesting itself regardless of the otherwise positive developments in my life otherwise.
Implications: I want to teach. I like groups of people, when I'm fairly comfortable with what I'm doing. I'm in a Social Psych class now, and it's actually fun. I could see myself really liking it. Lots of analysis and personal relevance; English without the distraction of signs and signifiers. I want to be around lots of people, often, and engage groups. I want to mentor. I want to help others grow into themselves, to support them on their ways. I want to be make an impact in lives through discussion and instruction. In short, I want to teach college. Which is rather convenient, since I'm planning on getting a PhD. But it's affirming to find that high school's not tainted my love for teaching or groups or, even, teenagers.
Overall, I'm excited. In the long term. After GSSE ends, I'll start the descent into... treading water? A long period of inactivity, at least. But after that, I feel like I'll be on a good path to a good place. For now, though, I'll consider this a preview of things to come instead of a last hurrah. Whether that's wishful thinking or not, I guess we'll see.
I miss you, but I am so happy to hear your exuberance and love for what you are doing. You really will and do make such a difference for the kids. I remember how much I enjoyed the counselors when I went. :)
-Reid
ps: if you find yourself needing a hug- you know where to find me.