I'm tired. In the "earned" kind of way. Drove 8 hours at night to place to stay, got there at 1a [thanks again LB]. Went to Rally. Stood for a few hours. Couldn't hear or see much. Left. Left LB's at 6p. Drove or was at exit from 6p-5a. And it's starting to catch up with me.
Transitioning has made me paranoid. Paranoid in the way that illustrates how nice it is to be white, male, TAB, cis, neurotypical, straight etc. Paranoid in the "They kill transsexuals when they're not laughing at them or talking behind their backs, true story" kind of way. Paranoid in the "even around my well-intentioned and mostly supportive friends/family, it only takes one slip for me to be outed and irrevocably changed for the people around me." "He's" are contagious.
I was driving through Pennsylvanian backroads [like, bright-lights on, OMGWHEREAMI roads], and I thought: if I break down, I'm more vulnerable in this situation as a female. I'm more vulnerable because a police officer just has to see the "M" on my ID for things to get tense. I'm more vulnerable because I'm not normative. And it's a feeling that really is difficult to understand [or understand the lack of fear] unless you transition between the two.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened at the gas stations. Nothing happened in the women's rooms. Nothing happened at Subway. Nothing happened at the Rally. Nothing happened at the toll booths. Nothing happened today on the train. Nothing happened at the vegetarian event. Nothing happened walking around Harvard. Nothing happened at the restaurant. Nothing happened.
Can it really be this easy? Do I pass? Are people just polite? My biggest problems, so far, have mainly been with people who have known me having a difficult time with pronouns/my name. Sometimes they slip up and it's clear they've been trying. Sometimes it just doesn't seem important to them to change unless I ask. My sister's particularly egregious about the latter. Perhaps it'll come. It's unfortunate, but it'll take time too. But if that's the worst thing I'm dealing with... I presented as female across the country, in hordes of people, in rural conservative areas, in the middle of the night. I'm sure prejudice will come up with jobs and if I'm outed in more interpersonal relationships. But honestly? I did not expect this.
I have been so afraid, for so long. And to have everything just... work out? Hell, I had a full beard a bit over five months ago! I only came up with my name in August! I went outside at UTK mid-September! I came out on facebook two weeks ago! It's all so fast. And relatively... painless.
And it feels right. When I feel like Juliet, when I see female, when others see female, when I *am* female, it feels so so good. Relieving, like a giant weight is gone. I might get SRS surgery. But, honestly? I can feel female without. It's in my face. And sometimes it's there. And sometimes it's not. And I'm growing into it. But when I do feel it? I feel wonderful. Alive. Excited just to be.
I'm actually making it. I don't know how well. And I am still afraid. Nothing happens, and I'm afraid. It comes with knowing that I am the butt of so many jokes, that I am a deceiver less than human, that I am bringing all of the wrath and isolation upon myself. It comes with knowing that Trans Remembrance day is coming, and all it takes is the wrong person at the wrong moment and I'm on there, too. It comes with knowing that I am a freak, even if people are polite about it to my face. It comes with knowing people talk and stare. Nothing happens. But it is so real a possibility that it could. That it does, and I don't even know it.
But I'm making it. I am. And, for one of the first times in my life, my hopes are being made real. So much promise. And the promises, at least for now, are coming true.
Transitioning has made me paranoid. Paranoid in the way that illustrates how nice it is to be white, male, TAB, cis, neurotypical, straight etc. Paranoid in the "They kill transsexuals when they're not laughing at them or talking behind their backs, true story" kind of way. Paranoid in the "even around my well-intentioned and mostly supportive friends/family, it only takes one slip for me to be outed and irrevocably changed for the people around me." "He's" are contagious.
I was driving through Pennsylvanian backroads [like, bright-lights on, OMGWHEREAMI roads], and I thought: if I break down, I'm more vulnerable in this situation as a female. I'm more vulnerable because a police officer just has to see the "M" on my ID for things to get tense. I'm more vulnerable because I'm not normative. And it's a feeling that really is difficult to understand [or understand the lack of fear] unless you transition between the two.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened at the gas stations. Nothing happened in the women's rooms. Nothing happened at Subway. Nothing happened at the Rally. Nothing happened at the toll booths. Nothing happened today on the train. Nothing happened at the vegetarian event. Nothing happened walking around Harvard. Nothing happened at the restaurant. Nothing happened.
Can it really be this easy? Do I pass? Are people just polite? My biggest problems, so far, have mainly been with people who have known me having a difficult time with pronouns/my name. Sometimes they slip up and it's clear they've been trying. Sometimes it just doesn't seem important to them to change unless I ask. My sister's particularly egregious about the latter. Perhaps it'll come. It's unfortunate, but it'll take time too. But if that's the worst thing I'm dealing with... I presented as female across the country, in hordes of people, in rural conservative areas, in the middle of the night. I'm sure prejudice will come up with jobs and if I'm outed in more interpersonal relationships. But honestly? I did not expect this.
I have been so afraid, for so long. And to have everything just... work out? Hell, I had a full beard a bit over five months ago! I only came up with my name in August! I went outside at UTK mid-September! I came out on facebook two weeks ago! It's all so fast. And relatively... painless.
And it feels right. When I feel like Juliet, when I see female, when others see female, when I *am* female, it feels so so good. Relieving, like a giant weight is gone. I might get SRS surgery. But, honestly? I can feel female without. It's in my face. And sometimes it's there. And sometimes it's not. And I'm growing into it. But when I do feel it? I feel wonderful. Alive. Excited just to be.
I'm actually making it. I don't know how well. And I am still afraid. Nothing happens, and I'm afraid. It comes with knowing that I am the butt of so many jokes, that I am a deceiver less than human, that I am bringing all of the wrath and isolation upon myself. It comes with knowing that Trans Remembrance day is coming, and all it takes is the wrong person at the wrong moment and I'm on there, too. It comes with knowing that I am a freak, even if people are polite about it to my face. It comes with knowing people talk and stare. Nothing happens. But it is so real a possibility that it could. That it does, and I don't even know it.
But I'm making it. I am. And, for one of the first times in my life, my hopes are being made real. So much promise. And the promises, at least for now, are coming true.
If it makes you feel better, my intentions with you were questioned upon my return.
Also, sorry for messing up.