I tell myself this is a cocoon to make myself feel as if it's part of a natural growth. But really I'm just biding my time. While others progress with their lives or, at the very least, sustain them with income, I'm the pinnacle of privilege and failure: living with my mother, sleeping 10-12 hours a day, and playing World of Warcraft when I'm awake. There are a few things I do that have implications of productivity: I'm increasingly active with the high school students at church. There are some LGBT things I do on campus. And there's "research" I volunteer for. But they may as well just be reasons to get me to wake up before 4p each day. For all intents and purposes, I'm worthless.
Of course, I'm not entirely sure how to change. The only immediately viable option is employment and while I could risk prejudice and daily terror if I needed to, I don't. And I really think that's what I'd be in for. This early, I'm still not very confident about passing. So that fear (and the possibility of situations arising) combined with the soulcrushing nature of retail/food service (what other jobs could I get?) makes the experience sound terrible. The couple hundred dollars a week I'd make from working just aren't worth it. I still have most of my money from undergrad saved and while WoW may be a lot of things, expensive it is not.
So I'm waiting. Waiting to hopefully hear back from graduate schools. Waiting to grow into Juliet more. Waiting for S to claw her way out of hell. None of this is new. But I don't feel like I have ever really had a period of my life *wasted.* Up until now, I have always been making progress, always been inching forward. And now? Now I'm not. And I can't wait until I am again.
That is true. Partially. But as I've been able to, essentially, fall apart without consequence, I've found myself increasingly afraid to leave home. I don't know what I'm afraid of, exactly. But I feel safe and ok here. And out there? Out there has become a constant exercise in vulnerability. And while it's one I can face, I don't really want to if I don't have to.
The safety, within my self and without, that I've found in my cocoon has led me to be more open, I think. I cry a lot more often, now. Some folks on the trans forums have said they do too, and they often attribute it to the estrogen. But I think it's also a comfort within myself to access those hurt parts of me and let them out. I've cried more since June than I think I cried in the previous... 11 years combined. And I'm kind of glad I can and do. I'd feel better if it was crying too someone instead of just alone and vulnerable. But even then, it's nice not to feel so protected all the time. So twisted and wrenched and wrong. Now, I'm fluid. I'm easing into myself. And while it's difficult, it's wonderful at the same time. For just as I often burst into tears, I also find myself sitting and feeling like Juliet, feeling female, and I'm so glad to simply *be.* I'm becoming me. I'm becoming real. And that's as terrifying as it is exhilarating.
It's puberty, really. And as much as I don't like the wait, I think it'll be worthwhile. I just have to keep telling myself that and have the patience to endure while I wait.
[Small note: I'm still engaging in escapism, but I don't *need* it as much as I used to. I love my female avatars. And I love being called "Juliet" and "she" in our voicechats. I've been playing with a few gay guys I found via another game/online forum, and it's nice to have a close group of friends I just kind of... hang out with every day. Outside of gaming, I doubt we'd have much in common. But, to them, I'm female. And the "escape" isn't nearly as necessary as it used to be. I'm biding my time, certainly. But how I don't need to completely detach from reality anymore. And while I envy my avatar to an extent, I also feel like she's a representation of me instead of some fantasy ideal.
Related voice notes: My voice isn't perfect, but it's passable. When the nurse at the clinic asked if I wanted my "yearly pap smear," I knew I'd made it. It's also fun for folks to come into our voice chat room and say "Who's the girl?" after they hear my voice. I'm the girl! And, listening to me, that's what they think I am! It's *real!* And most of you have no idea how wonderful it is.]
Of course, I'm not entirely sure how to change. The only immediately viable option is employment and while I could risk prejudice and daily terror if I needed to, I don't. And I really think that's what I'd be in for. This early, I'm still not very confident about passing. So that fear (and the possibility of situations arising) combined with the soulcrushing nature of retail/food service (what other jobs could I get?) makes the experience sound terrible. The couple hundred dollars a week I'd make from working just aren't worth it. I still have most of my money from undergrad saved and while WoW may be a lot of things, expensive it is not.
So I'm waiting. Waiting to hopefully hear back from graduate schools. Waiting to grow into Juliet more. Waiting for S to claw her way out of hell. None of this is new. But I don't feel like I have ever really had a period of my life *wasted.* Up until now, I have always been making progress, always been inching forward. And now? Now I'm not. And I can't wait until I am again.
That is true. Partially. But as I've been able to, essentially, fall apart without consequence, I've found myself increasingly afraid to leave home. I don't know what I'm afraid of, exactly. But I feel safe and ok here. And out there? Out there has become a constant exercise in vulnerability. And while it's one I can face, I don't really want to if I don't have to.
The safety, within my self and without, that I've found in my cocoon has led me to be more open, I think. I cry a lot more often, now. Some folks on the trans forums have said they do too, and they often attribute it to the estrogen. But I think it's also a comfort within myself to access those hurt parts of me and let them out. I've cried more since June than I think I cried in the previous... 11 years combined. And I'm kind of glad I can and do. I'd feel better if it was crying too someone instead of just alone and vulnerable. But even then, it's nice not to feel so protected all the time. So twisted and wrenched and wrong. Now, I'm fluid. I'm easing into myself. And while it's difficult, it's wonderful at the same time. For just as I often burst into tears, I also find myself sitting and feeling like Juliet, feeling female, and I'm so glad to simply *be.* I'm becoming me. I'm becoming real. And that's as terrifying as it is exhilarating.
It's puberty, really. And as much as I don't like the wait, I think it'll be worthwhile. I just have to keep telling myself that and have the patience to endure while I wait.
[Small note: I'm still engaging in escapism, but I don't *need* it as much as I used to. I love my female avatars. And I love being called "Juliet" and "she" in our voicechats. I've been playing with a few gay guys I found via another game/online forum, and it's nice to have a close group of friends I just kind of... hang out with every day. Outside of gaming, I doubt we'd have much in common. But, to them, I'm female. And the "escape" isn't nearly as necessary as it used to be. I'm biding my time, certainly. But how I don't need to completely detach from reality anymore. And while I envy my avatar to an extent, I also feel like she's a representation of me instead of some fantasy ideal.
Related voice notes: My voice isn't perfect, but it's passable. When the nurse at the clinic asked if I wanted my "yearly pap smear," I knew I'd made it. It's also fun for folks to come into our voice chat room and say "Who's the girl?" after they hear my voice. I'm the girl! And, listening to me, that's what they think I am! It's *real!* And most of you have no idea how wonderful it is.]
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