I went to bed at 7:30a. I got out of it at 6:15p.
I was at 116lbs; the lowest I've been in quite awhile. It's a side-effect of only eating one meal a day; it seems odd to eat "lunch" at 11p and "dinner" at 5a, so I settle for one meal mostly. Playing video games is escapist enough to make hunger abstract.
In fact, everything is dulled. My life is not bad. But it is purposeless. The pain. The joy. Everything is gray. I live in twilight, sleeping inane hours, waking to immerse myself in escapist folly only to return back to sleep hours later. The days pass seemlessly, fading into each other.
I found out today that Indiana's at least going to interview me. That's something. Indiana, unlike UTK and BC, would be completely new. I would know no one, be involved in nothing, have only my commitments to my program and (hopefully) my love. A hermit cave by any other name. And part of that really appeals to me. I don't want to become attached to it or really consider it further unless it's truly a choice to make. But it sounds... nice.
Life is ethereal. I have goals, purpose, drive. But, at least at the moment, it all seems so abstract. As if I can look upon it almost objectively as if to say "Ah, yes. That. How quaint." The priorities that matter are the ones I run from. At least until they're within my grasp. Funny how that works, no?
I was at 116lbs; the lowest I've been in quite awhile. It's a side-effect of only eating one meal a day; it seems odd to eat "lunch" at 11p and "dinner" at 5a, so I settle for one meal mostly. Playing video games is escapist enough to make hunger abstract.
In fact, everything is dulled. My life is not bad. But it is purposeless. The pain. The joy. Everything is gray. I live in twilight, sleeping inane hours, waking to immerse myself in escapist folly only to return back to sleep hours later. The days pass seemlessly, fading into each other.
I found out today that Indiana's at least going to interview me. That's something. Indiana, unlike UTK and BC, would be completely new. I would know no one, be involved in nothing, have only my commitments to my program and (hopefully) my love. A hermit cave by any other name. And part of that really appeals to me. I don't want to become attached to it or really consider it further unless it's truly a choice to make. But it sounds... nice.
Life is ethereal. I have goals, purpose, drive. But, at least at the moment, it all seems so abstract. As if I can look upon it almost objectively as if to say "Ah, yes. That. How quaint." The priorities that matter are the ones I run from. At least until they're within my grasp. Funny how that works, no?
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