I've briefly mentioned before that I read threads of comments about transsexual people to center myself, if I find myself growing too complacent or feeling safe. That action's problematic, in and of itself, but it's not really what I'm thinking about now. What I am wondering about is what, exactly, I'll say when someone challenges my identity. Thus far, such challenges have been relegated to when I've come out to family members who have cast it as a "youthful indiscretion" and tried to talk me out of it or otherwise stressed that I am too young to be making/taking this seriously. As is this case in pretty much every "argument" about myself[or maybe "discussion" would be more apt], I've a plethora of reasons and well-thought out rebuttals that, at the very least, leave me having answered every concern (even if it can never be to their satisfaction). In short, I know why I'm transitioning. I've exhausted my alternatives. And what every argument boils down to is whether someone knows me better than I know myself.
A person thinking they understood another person better than that person knows themself is an almost surprisingly common attitude. Certainly the scores of people who think even homosexuality is "a choice" are guilty of such thoughts when so many homosexual people tell them otherwise. But it can be as innocuous as presuming someone's motives to thinking you know what another person wants. It's the logic behind "no means yes" and "I'm doing this for your own good." And although I'll grant that it may be occasionally accurate, I think in the long run it's bound to do more harm than good.
I'm guilty of this, too, but predominantly just with my father (and I'm getting better about the few others). His paranoia and depression seem so clear to me, stemming from various traumatic events in his past, and he fits one of the profiles I've seen developing of abusers: mainly by making your victims believe that they are the ones who are hurting you and never stop accusing them, even when they call you on it. That's how, I think, my father can believe that I'm transitioning because I hate him so much.
He's done it his whole life. When I was six and told him "I love you" and he said "No you don't" with no way for me to convince him. When my parents were divorcing and he called me a "traitor." When I've been one of if not the only person who has never stopped talking to him or visiting him no matter how afraid I've been, I still hate him. I can't not believe that he hates himself and could never believe anyone cares about him regardless of what they did and remain sane in the face of everything he says.
But otherwise? Like so much else, I've tried to learn from his example, remember how what it felt like when he did it to me, and not to do the same to others. For some people, it's quite hard to do. But if transsexuality has taught me anything, it's that no one knows you like you do yourself. And, ultimately, no one deserves an explanation for things you do with yourself (that don't hurt others). Whether that will be enough... I have no idea.
A person thinking they understood another person better than that person knows themself is an almost surprisingly common attitude. Certainly the scores of people who think even homosexuality is "a choice" are guilty of such thoughts when so many homosexual people tell them otherwise. But it can be as innocuous as presuming someone's motives to thinking you know what another person wants. It's the logic behind "no means yes" and "I'm doing this for your own good." And although I'll grant that it may be occasionally accurate, I think in the long run it's bound to do more harm than good.
I'm guilty of this, too, but predominantly just with my father (and I'm getting better about the few others). His paranoia and depression seem so clear to me, stemming from various traumatic events in his past, and he fits one of the profiles I've seen developing of abusers: mainly by making your victims believe that they are the ones who are hurting you and never stop accusing them, even when they call you on it. That's how, I think, my father can believe that I'm transitioning because I hate him so much.
He's done it his whole life. When I was six and told him "I love you" and he said "No you don't" with no way for me to convince him. When my parents were divorcing and he called me a "traitor." When I've been one of if not the only person who has never stopped talking to him or visiting him no matter how afraid I've been, I still hate him. I can't not believe that he hates himself and could never believe anyone cares about him regardless of what they did and remain sane in the face of everything he says.
But otherwise? Like so much else, I've tried to learn from his example, remember how what it felt like when he did it to me, and not to do the same to others. For some people, it's quite hard to do. But if transsexuality has taught me anything, it's that no one knows you like you do yourself. And, ultimately, no one deserves an explanation for things you do with yourself (that don't hurt others). Whether that will be enough... I have no idea.
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